My accidental pregnancy

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First off, my pregnancy was not planned and totally unexpected. (But to be expected when you aren't careful, oops!).  I'm not going to sugar coat anything and pretend that my pregnancy has been a dream, because quite frankly it has been the opposite. My partner lives in South Africa and currently we are doing long distance, so having a baby during this time was never going to work (sh*t now we have to make it work) and it was definitely not in our near future plans. Not living in the same city, let alone the same continent as your partner is an extremely hard and frustrating time. Anyway, on my last trip to South Africa I (accidentally) got pregnant. Sorry Mum & Dad!  After what would have been a week post-conception I noticed that something was not right with my body. No longer could I go for a run everyday or push myself at the gym. I struggled to get out of bed in the morning, I was constantly dizzy, out of breath and nauseous. It took me a few weeks to bring myself to do a pregnancy test and when I did, the ‘+’ sign showed up straight away.

I almost passed out in shock. Me? Pregnant? Ahhhhhh!! How is this going to work? I'm not married, I'm not engaged. This is not how I planned my life.

The first trimester, the time during your pregnancy that not enough people talk about or from what I have found, are not honest about. It seems crazy that many people don’t talk about the downsides of pregnancy and how it can be such a lonely and scary time. I thought I would write about my experience and how it is so far from what I imagined it to be.

Me on the beach at 14 weeks pregnant, waiting for my bump to show
Me on the beach at 14 weeks pregnant, waiting for my bump to show

I would often ask myself if I’m the only person that has been this unhappy during the first 3 months of pregnancy. All you hear is people telling you how amazing pregnancy is and how you have a certain glow about you.  Where the f*ck is my glow?! I wondered when I would start to feel like other women who love every minute of it. Each day I had morning sickness, I’m not too sure who named it morning sickness as mine would last the whole day and keep me up throughout the night. I spent ALOT of time hugging the toilet bowl, the nausea was on-going and I felt like I had a permanent hangover. This was the type of hangover you would get when you would drink for the first time and think it was a good idea to mix every type of alcohol together without realising you would be throwing up your stomach lining the next day. I literally tried EVERYTHING to help with the nausea and nothing worked. Morning sickness or “all day sickness”, which is what I like to call it is extra hard when you cannot tell the people around you that are you pregnant yet.  The amount of excuses I had to make up about why I was always sick and unable to socialize were becoming embarrassing.

There was no glow about me, my skin had become dry, I had dark circles under my eyes and I had hormonal acne. I think one of the few positives of being in a long distance relationship and not seeing my partner for 3 months was that he never had to see me in this state, and what I state I was in.

I felt immense pressure to nourish my baby with all the right foods but how could I make a healthy baby when all I had eaten for 3 months was toast and crackers with butter? The thought of eating any vegetable made me feel sick and all I wanted was carbs (Burgers come at me!). I felt so much guilt that I couldn’t stomach all the foods that I should be eating. No longer could I exercise and if I did make it into the gym, I would end up having to run to the bathroom to spew. My days of bouncing out of bed in the morning and looking forward to working out were well and truly over.

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I think on the craziness scale, mine went up a good few notches. Most days I was irritable and moody, I would go from feeling happy to extremely sad. I look back and cringe at some of the things I would get upset about. I felt like a horrible bitch most of the time and wondered if I would ever feel “normal” again. My best friends helped me a lot and they would have to reassure me constantly that I was feeling 100x more sensitive because of my hormones. They should send me bill for all the therapy they did on me during those first 3 months. Hormones are no joke!

Lets not forget the uterus-expanding cramps. Cramps are a normal symptom of pregnancy but they’re also a sign of miscarriage. The cramps made me paranoid and made me more messed in the head. Majority of my life I have wanted bigger boobs, wellllll things have certainly changed now that I got what I wished for. At my last bra fitting I was an E cup! Lets just hope they stop growing and make it a lesson that we should be careful what we wish for.  These things are heavy! Shout out to the big titty committee!

I would ask myself, when was I going to feel excited about bringing a baby into the world? It was hard to feel positive when I constantly had feelings of confusion, anxiety, guilt and sadness. I wanted to return back to my old happy self, have energy throughout the day, motivation to get out of bed and not worry 24/7 about being a good Mother to my unborn child.

I am now in the second trimester and the and the morning sickness has eased off.  At the moment I am in South Africa with my partner, we went for a scan to see our baby and instantly all the feelings of anxiousness and worry disappeared.  The more I learn about pregnancy, the more I realize what a miracle it is and that there never really is a "perfect time" to fall pregnant.

Who else can relate to this? Would love to hear your stories!

L x